Oh. My. Whiskers. You guys won’t believe what happened at 3 AM in the early morning. There I was, deep in dreamland, probably dreaming about finally organizing my sock drawer (you know, adult stuff), when BOOM! My sweet big furball Matisse decided it was time for his nightly free running session. Across my body. Enter – Human cat toy.
Let me tell you, nothing prepares you for life with a cat. Sure, when you pick your sweet little baby up to bring home for the first time, thinking everything will be copacetic – but what I actually brought home was a miniature tiger with the soul of an Olympic gymnast and the sleep schedule of a college student during finals week.
Flashback to me watching Tom and Jerry reruns
You know what’s funny? Those old cartoons weren’t just entertainment – they were basically a documentary of life with cats! There I was, laughing at Tom’s failed attempts to catch Jerry, when it hit me harder than Matisse’s surprise attacks – this is literally my life now, except I’M Jerry, and my whole house is one big chase scene!
Here’s the tea: our precious feline overlords aren’t just being dramatic when they go from zero to chaos in 2.5 seconds. Turns out, cats are basically fresh off the boat from the wild, evolutionarily speaking. While dogs have been chilling with humans since forever ago (like, tens of thousands of years), cats only decided to grace us with their presence about 5-10 thousand years ago. That’s like yesterday in evolution terms! No wonder Matisse still thinks my charging cables are danger noodles that must be hunted down and destroyed.
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Speaking of hunting, let’s talk about why my sweet angel turns into a demon possessed the second I turn off the lights. Apparently, cats are “crepuscular,” which is fancy science speak for “most active during dawn and dusk.” But really, I think it’s just their way of saying, “Sleep? In this economy? Nah, let’s practice our opera singing at 4 AM!”
The real tea is that cats have this whole rhythm thing going on: hunt, catch, kill, eat, groom, sleep. It’s like their own little daily planner, except they didn’t get the memo about time zones or, you know, basic human courtesy. When we give them food in a bowl (like the loving servants we are), we’re basically skipping to the “eat” part of their schedule. But all that hunting energy? Oh honey, it’s still there, brewing like a pot of coffee that’s about to explode.
Cut to me, desperately trying to work from home
Me: *typing important email*
Matisse: “Is that a cursor I see moving across the screen? MUST. ATTACK.”
Me: “No, Matisse, this is work!”
Matisse: “Sorry, I don’t speak hooman. Only chaos.”
After my third destroyed curtain (RIP TJ Maxx clearance finds), I finally realized I needed to channel my little hunter’s energy somewhere productive. Enter: Operation Mouse Simulator 2024, where I, a grown adult with an education, spend my evenings making weird noises and dangling toys with catnip like it’s my job.
Let me tell you about wand toys – they’re like the Netflix of the cat world. One day they’re the hottest thing since sliced bread, the next day they’re “so last season, mother, how dare you even suggest it?” I now have a whole rotation system going, like some sort of cat toy DJ. “And now, coming up next on the playlist, it’s that crinkly crunchy toy you loved last week but will probably ignore today!” Who am I kidding, that’s one of his favorite toys of all time!
And can we talk about catnip for a hot second? It’s basically cat wine, except only about 50% of cats are into it. Matisse? He’s definitely in the “pour me another” category. The first time I gave him a catnip toy, he looked like he was having an existential crisis mixed with the best day of his life. Rolling around, making weird noises, staring at the wall like it held the secrets of the universe… I’ve never been so jealous of someone having that much fun with a stuffed mouse. Actual catnip in the raw…Fugheddaboutit!
For those long days when I can’t be Matisse’s personal entertainment system (because apparently, I need to “work” to “pay bills” or whatever), I’ve discovered interactive toys. Yes, I literally bought my cat hunting games. And yes, he’s probably smarter than me because he figures them out faster than I can figure out my TV remote.
The real eye opening moment was when I finally understood that all these “annoying” behaviors weren’t Matisse being a tiny terrorist – he was just being true to his nature. Those midnight zoomies? That’s his inner lion coming out. The random attacks on my ankles? He’s practicing his hunting skills (though I really wish he’d warn me first, especially when I’m carrying laundry).
Now our evenings look like this:
Me: dramatically throwing a crinkly crunchy toy
Matisse: calculating jump trajectories like NASA
Also Me: “That’s my bubba boy! Go get your crunchy toy, where is it?”
Matisse: gives me that look that says “I put up with you because you feed me”
The truth is, living with a cat is like having a roommate from another planet who never pays rent but somehow owns everything. They operate on their own schedule, have their own language (mostly consisting of judgmental stares), and occasionally use your body as a launch pad.
But you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sure, my house looks like a toy store exploded in it, and yes, I’ve given up on ever having nice furniture again. But watching Matisse nail a perfect mid-air twist to catch his toy, or feeling him snuggle up against me after a successful “hunt” – those moments are pure gold.
So here’s to all of us cat parents out there, serving as personal entertainment systems, prey simulators, and midnight audience members to the greatest show on earth: Life With a Cat. May your reflexes be quick, your band-aids plentiful, and your catnip stash always full.
P.S. Matisse says “meow,” which either means “I love you” or “feed me now, peasant.” I’m still working on the translation.
End scene: Me, covered in cat toys, drinking coffee at midnight because that’s when Matisse decided it’s play time.
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This was the best! Thanks for the visual ride. I literally pictured every move as though I was right there. 🙌🏼😹
Thank you, thank you, as I give a final bow! 😹🙇🏻♀️